talkin cock

I was figuring out what to do fer half an hour before hitting the books when i decided to surf TalkinCock.com:

Ah Beng took part in the Singapore Manhunt Competition. During the Q&A segment, the host asks, "Name a drink that begins with the letter 'G'." The crowd shouts,"Gin! Gin!". Others exclaim, "No, its Grape Juice!" Another smart aleck yells, "Alamak, Gatorade!" Host : "Quiet please." Ah Beng laughs hysterically like a hyena before replying, "C'mon man, you think I need their help? I got more original answer : Gu ni!" (cow milk in hokkien)

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Totally DefencelessTwo Hokkien pengs, Ah Beng and Ah Seng, got promoted from privates to corporals.Not long after, they're out for a walk and Ah Beng says, "Eh, Seng ah, there's the NCO Club. Let's go inside and togo.""But we all is plivate only, mah," protests Ah Seng."No, we all is copler now," says Ah Beng, pulling him inside. Once inside the pub, Ah Beng says, "Okay, let's order some beer and togo!""But we all is plivate!" says Ah Seng."Piang eh, you cannot see, meh?" says Ah Beng, pointing to his stripes. "We all is copler now!"After leaving the NCO club, Ah Beng and Ah Seng go to Geylang.There, Ah Beng whistles at a hooker, but the hooker says, "Sorry, hor. Tonight cannot because I got gonorrhea."Ah Beng pulls Ah Seng to the side and say, "Eh, you go and check the dictionary and see what 'gonorrhea' means. It it's okay, give me the okay sign."Ah Seng goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Ah Beng a big thumbs-up.Three weeks later, Ah Beng is in the hospital with a severe case of gonorrhea."Ni na beh," he scolds Ah Seng. "Why you tell me it's okay?""Not my fault!" says Ah Seng. "In the dictionary, it says gonorrhea affects the privates."Then he points to his stripes: "But we is copler now, mah!"

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Lian: " Beng, I can't get my new jig saw puzzle fixed, mah-chiam all the edges cannot fix together, leh." Beng: " Jig saw puzzle si mi picture, ha?" Lian: " The box show a big rooster, kanna like the one in talkingcock.com ". Beng: "Okay, lah, okay, lah. I come over to hepchu, lah." Ah Beng arrives at Ah Lian's place, where she happily leads him to the kitchen table where the jigsaw puzzle is. Ah Beng examines the puzzle and says, " Kan ni na, put back the corn flakes into the box, lah."

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Ah Beng, Mohammad and Muthu were at sea when they were hijacked by a group of pirates. The pirates cornered the 3 men and said "Give us all your valuables!" The chief pirate then raised a syringe and added, "Or else we'll inject you with the AIDS virus!" Mohammad quickly stripped off all his valuables and handed them to the pirates. Satisfied, they threw him into the sea. Muthu was equally quick to comply with the pirates' wishes. Similarly, he removed his valuables and surrendered them to the pirates. Like Mohammad, he was thrown into the sea. Finally it came to Ah Beng's turn. He stared at the pirates and sneered. "You all kee see lah! (go and die!) Inject, inject lah, you'll never get my lolex and my JPG warret!" The pirates, showing no mercy, injected Ah Beng with the HIV virus, and robbed him of his precious watch and wallet. They then threw him into the sea with the rest. In the water, both Mohammad and Muthu commended Ah Beng for his bravery. However, they were pretty perplexed by why he was unafraid of the virus. Grinning, Ah Beng answered, "AIDS I not scared, what... I got condom!!!"

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Long time ago, a rich Singapore tycoon wanted to know how happy a man could be if he was given one wish.He paid 3 people to test out his experiment:The rules were:1. Each person could only have 1 wish.2. They will be left on a deserted island for 30 years.3. Food, but not liquor would be provided. The first contestant, Billy Klinton (USA) asked for the 30 prettiest PLAYBOY centrefolds: " So I can make the most beautiful babies in the world." The second contestant, Jon Mayjor (UK) said, "I want 30 years' supply of booze."The last contestant ,Ah Beng (Singapore) said," I want 30 years' supply of Saa-lim (Salem) cigarettes so I can smoke until I song-song" 30 years later, the 3 contestants came back for a press conference.Billy had with him 200 chidren and 30 estranged women. He remarked, " It has been a long sexual experience for me and I was wondering whether anyone care to buy a child. I will even throw in the mother for free !"Jon, hanging on to a bottle of beer, was suffering from a hangover but he managed to utter these words. " God save the Beer ! The Queen can drink sea water. "The last contestant, Ah Beng, hugging onto cartons of Salem shouted, "Ni na beh! Buay kee gia lighter!!!" (@#$*! Forgot to bring lighter!)
Somehow i thought of yan after having read the above.

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Last night, an incident took place at Boat Quay. What happened was some idiot was trying to show off and declared that he would swim across the Singapore River. He jumped in and started swimming. But before he could reach the halfway mark, he started to panic and started to shout for help.Being typical Singaporeans, a crowd started to gather to watch and yet no attempt was made by anybody to save that poor chap.Suddenly there was a splash and the crowd turned to see a guy doing what seemed like a desperate attempt to reach the drowning victim. It was clear that this hero couldn't swim !Luckily a tongkang filled with tourists was passing by and the operator saw the incident and picked both men from the water. The crowd cheered !Back on shore, the crowd cheered again as the hero stepped off the tongkang. "Steady Lah !" and "Awright, man !" were among the many congratulations shouted. The hero looked angry and shouted "Ka ni na! Siang too wa loh chui?" (#@! Who pushed me into the water?")

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Ah Beng joined a quiz show and was asked to name three fruits whose names begin with "A". Ah Beng immediately said, "Apple... Apricot..." then he was stumped. After a while, he finally shouted triumphantly, "Ang Mor Tan!"

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Lance Corporal Ah Beng, Corporal Ahmad and Sergeant Arul were lost in the jungle. It was clear they would have to share responsibilities in order to survive. Sergeant Arul, as the most high-ranking soldier, took charge."Ah Beng," said Sergeant Arul. "Ahmad and I will recce ahead to see if there's any way out. We want you to stay behind here in the camp and take care of supplies for us. Can?"Ah Beng nodded, and Ahmad and Arul set out ahead. "Where's the bugger?" said Sergeant Arul, puzzled.Whereupon Ah Beng immediately jumped out of the bushes and yelled at both of them, "Supplies!"

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A Mat, who was in Primary 3, came home from school one day and asked his father, "Bapak, today in school, me and friends had competisen, see who's cock the biggest, lah. My cock bigger than all, lah. Why ah? Because I melayu, issit? The father sighed and looked at him and said, "No,lah. Because you're eighteen years old."

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Three men, Ah Beng, a Chinese, Ah Neh, an Indian, and Ah Mat, a Malay, were all sentenced to terms of life imprisonment for armed robbery. Upon reaching the prison, the chief warden told them, "Since you are going to be here for a very long time, you can bring into the cell whatever you wish. Just tell me and I'll try to fulfil it."So Ah Beng asked for a lifetime supply of cigarettes so he could drown his sorrows in smoke.Ah Neh asked for a set of the Encyclopaedia Brittanica as he wanted to study his remaining life away, having never passed his PSLE.Ah Mat, however, asked for a lifetime supply of tampons. The warden was puzzled and asked, "What do you need tampons for?"Ah Mat replied: "You never hear, is it? With tampons, you can go running, cycling, swimming......"

Ok... Jus spent an hour an a half on the site. Not good, better hit the books!

"Just because a person has a beard and a turban does not mean he is a terrorist! He could be a jaga, or a hockey player or chapatti cook!" - ah beng